No Bullying

The Bullied

The one thing that all kids who are bullied have in common is that a bully or a bunch of bullies has targeted them. Each one was singled out to be the object of scorn, and thus the recipient of bullying, merely because he or she was different in some way.

The Warning Signs

1. Shows an abrupt lack of interest in school, or refuses to go to school
2. Takes an unusual route to school
3. Suffers drop in grades
4. Withdraws from family and school activities
5. Is hungry after school
6. Steals money from home
7. Makes a beeline to the bathroom when arriving home
8. Is sad, sullen, angry, or scared after receiving a phone call or e-mail
9. Does something out of character
10. Has torn or missing clothing
11. Uses derogatory or demeaning language when talking about peers
12. Stops talking about peers and everyday activities
13. Has physical injuries not consistent with explanation
14. Has stomach-aches, headaches, panic attacks, is unable to sleep, sleeps too much, is exhausted
15. Plays alone, or prefers to hang with adults

Why kids Don’t Tell

1. They are ashamed of being bullied
2. They are afraid of retaliation
3. They don’t think anyone can help them
4. They’ve bought into the lie that bullying is a necessary part of growing up
5. They might believe that adults are part of the lie – they bully too
6. They have learned that “ratting” on a peer is bad, not cool

If your child is bullied

Don’ts

1. Don’t minimize, rationalize, or explain away the bully’s behaviour.
2. Don’t rush in to solve the problem for you child.
3. Don’t tell your child to fight back.
4. Don’t confront the bully or the bully’s parents alone.

Do’s

1. I hear you; I am here for you; I believe you; you are not alone in this.
2. It is not your fault.
3. There are things you can do.
4. Report the bullying to school personnel.

How to report

1. Arrange a meeting for you and your child with the appropriate person at the school.
2. Bring to the meeting the facts in writing – the date, time, place, kids involved, and the specifics of the incidents – and the impact the bullying has had on your child as well as what your child has done to try to stop the bullying that didn’t work.
3. Work with your child and school personnel on a plan that addresses what your child needs right now in order to feel safe, what she can do to avoid being bullied and to stand up and say to any future bullying, and whom she can go to for help.
4. Find out what procedures the bully will be going through and what kind of support the school is expecting from the parents of the bully.
5. If you feel the problem is not being adequately addressed by the school, know that you can express your concerns and let the teacher and/or administrator know that you will take the next step to the school district board office and if necessary – especially in the cases of serious abuse and racist or sexist bullying – to the police.

The Bully

Bullies come in all shapes and sizes. Some are big; some are small; some bright and some not so bright; some attractive and some not so attractive; some popular and some disliked by almost everybody.

Bullying is a conscious. Wilful and deliberate hostile activity, intended to harm.

The Four Markers of Bullying

1. An imbalance of power
2. Intent to harm
3. Threat of further aggression
4. When bullying escalates unabated – terror

Bullying is not about anger, or even about conflict. It’s about contempt – a powerful feeling of dislike toward someone considered to be worthless, inferior or undeserving of respect. Content comes with three apparent psychological advantages that allow kids to harm others without feeling empathy, compassion or shame. These are:

A sense of entitlement – the right to control, dominate, subjugate, and abuse another human being
An intolerance toward difference
A liberty to exclude – to bar, isolate, and segregate a person deemed not worthy of respect or care
Seven Steps to Stop Bullying

1. Discipline (including the three R's: restitution, resolution, reconciliation)
2. Create opportunities to “do good”
3. Nurture empathy
4. Teach friendship skills
5. Closely monitor TV viewing, video games, and computer activities
6. Engage in more constructive, entertaining, energizing activities
7. Teach ways to “will good”

Teasing

1. Allows the teaser and person teased to swap roles
2. Isn’t intended to hurt the other person
3. Maintains the basic dignity of everyone involved.
4. Pokes fun a light-hearted, cleaver, and benign way.
5. Is meant to get both parties to laugh.
6. Is only a small part of the activities shared by kids who have something in common.
7. Is innocent in motive.
8. Is discontinued when person teased becomes upset or objects to the teasing.

Taunting

1. Is based on an imbalance of power and is on-sided: the bully taunts, the bullied kid is taunted.
2. Is intended to harm.
3. Involves humiliating, cruel, demeaning, or bigoted comments thinly disguised as jokes.
4. Includes laughter directed at the target. Not with the target.
5. Is meant to diminish the sense of self-worth of the target.
6. Includes fear of further taunting or can be a prelude to physical bullying.
7. Is sinister in motive.
8. Continues especially when targeted kid becomes distressed or objects to the taunt.

Four most powerful antidotes to bullying

Strong sense of self, being a friend, having at least one good friend who is there for you through thick and thin, and being able to successfully get into a group – and get out when it does not serve you well.

Excerpts from the bully, the bullies, and the bystander, Barbara Coloroso www.kidsareworthit.com

The Bystander

Bystanders are the third group of players in this tragedy. They are the supporting cast who aid tragedy. They are the supporting cast who aid and abet the bully, through acts of omission and commission. They stand idly by or look away, or they can actively encourage the bully or join in and become one of a bunch of bullies. Injustice overlooked or ignored becomes a contagion that infects even those who thought they could turn away.

Standing Up and Speaking Out

Bullying is challenged when the majority stands up against the cruel acts of the minority. Establishing new norms, enforcing playground rules, and increasing supervision are policy decisions that can help reduce the incidents of bullying. Since much of the bullying goes on “under the radar of adults,” a potent force is kids themselves showing bullies that they will not be looked up to, nor will their cruel behaviour be condoned or tolerated. Kids need not be bystanders. They can become active witnesses, standing up for their peers, speaking out against injustice, and taking responsibility for what happened among themselves.

Caring schools

1. Gather information about bullying at school directly from students.
2. Establish clear school wide, and classroom rules about bullying.
3. Train all adults in the school to respond sensitively and consistently to bullying.
4. Provide adequate adult supervision, particularly in less structured areas, such as on the playground and in working on the problem.

Re-writing the script

The bully, the bullied, the bystander – the interactions involved in such role-playing, through commonplace in our culture, are not healthy, not normal, certainly not necessary, and in fact ware devastating to the children playing them. We as parents and educators can rewrite the script and create for our children alternative, healthier roles that require no pretense and no violence. With care and commitment, we can rechannel the behaviour of the bully into positive leadership activities; acknowledge the nonaggressive behaviour of the bullied child as strengths that can be developed and are honoured;

And transform the role of the bystander into that of a witness, someone willing to stand up, speak out, and act against injustice. A daunting task, but a necessary one.

What can the Police Do?

In most cases bullying is a crime. Police can intervene and they may lay any of the following charges:

Assault
– Section 266 of the Criminal Code

Sexual Assault
– Section 271 of the Criminal Code

Threatening
– Section 264 of the Criminal Code

Criminal Harassment
– Section 264.1 of the Criminal Code

Theft
– Section 334 of the Criminal Code

Intimidation
– Section 423(1) of the Criminal Code

Extortion
– Section 346(1) of the Criminal Code

Robbery
– Section 344 of the Criminal Code